Second time around

Perhaps your first marriage wasn't a fairy tale wedding. Or maybe running off to the justice of the peace was a practical or passionate act at the time. Whatever the case, your second wedding should be different. Most important, this time should be special.

But second weddings are traditionally small and intimate affairs, right? Not necessarily so. If you've got your heart set on billowing down the aisle draped in yards of taffeta and lace, there's little doubt you can pull it off.

"The bottom line is that many second weddings are looking a lot like first weddings," says Gerard Monaghan, president of the Association of Bridal Consultants. He cites only two "don'ts" when it comes to the second time around. "Don't expect gifts and don't wear myrtle and orange blossom, traditional signs of virginity."

While second weddings are becoming more lavish, wedding consultant Victoria Ames of the Wedding Beautiful in Norwood says those she helps plan are typically small affairs. "The couples are older, they're experienced, they know what they want this time."

Even so, the road to planning the perfect second wedding can be bumpy. Whom do you invite? How do your children fit in? What about the ex-in-laws? What about the ex?

Planning

Second unions often come with more players. If you or your future spouse have children, involve them in the planning. Children often feel torn when it comes to seeing their parents re-marry, and including them can go a long way to starting this marriage out right.

"That doesn't mean it's necessary to have them vote on whether they want the wedding to happen," says Monaghan. "You don't have to be that democratic." Including your children can be as simple as asking them to choose a color scheme or invitation design after you've narrowed down your own choices.

Be sure to ask, not demand, what role your children should play in the ceremony. A daughter could serve as her mother's attendant, a son as her escort, if they feel comfortable with that. "If it's a church wedding they could select a special reading or light a candle," suggests Ames.

The Guest List

When rock singer Billy Joel attended the third wedding of his ex-wife, Christy Brinkley, it may have given new meaning to the archaic term, "giving away the bride." "Clearly, it was the wrong thing to do," says Ames.

So if the ex is out, what about the ex-in-laws? If seeing their name on the guest list is going to give your future spouse a coronary or you're fearful they might poison the punch, it's probably not a good idea to invite them. But if there's peace and tranquillity all around, by all means include them.

Ames reminds couples that keeping the count low often expands choices when it comes to wedding sites. The weddings she has booked on boats, in college chapels and at restaurants overlooking the Boston skyline would not have been possible with a weighty guest list.

Gifts

It's perfectly all right to accept gifts for your second wedding, but if you're uncomfortable with that, how do you tactfully inform your guests that their presence is truly enough?

"The best way is word-of-mouth," says Monaghan. Tell your family and a few close friends and let them spread the word. Don't put it on the invitation. "If a guest insists, but you're still adamant about the 'no-gifts' policy, you can let them know again, through word of mouth of a favorite charity they can donate to.

The Ceremony

Because of differences in faith and restrictions religion can put on second weddings, ceremonies are often performed by a justice of the peace. Church weddings do happen, but be forewarned that sometimes entails a lot of research and calling around, says Ames.

You are entitled to as many attendants as you wish, but if your dress is simple you might not see the need for a maid of honor and 14 bridesmaids. Some brides choose a single attendant or even go it alone, says Monaghan, recalling one wedding where the bride ventured up the aisle un-escorted while the groom met her halfway.

And while exchanging rings has long been a traditional part of the wedding ceremony, Ames says she is seeing a new trend when it comes to the blended family. "Many couples take that time to give a special gift to their children, a locket or a charm that they will always have."

Celebrate

Whatever plans you make for this wedding, there is one important factor to keep in mind the feelings of your future spouse.

Whether your first marriage ended badly in divorce or sadly with death, you may have thought you'd never feel this way about anybody again.

Now that's cause for celebration.