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Tok of the town
A survival guide to Bawstin for all of you who weren't bon heah
The truth, now. How many of you said ''Boston University'' to the cabbie at
Logan and ended up at BC? You're right. It wasn't a misunderstanding. The
cabbie knew you weren't bon heah, so he took you for a ride.
By now, you know that nobody in the Hub calls it Boston University. We
don't really call it the Hub, either, except in headlines. After some time in the city, you'll also be able to tell Southie from the South End, know how to
pronounce Gloucester and who should have been at first base instead of Bill
Buckner.
You'll know who the cahdnal is, how to take the T to JP and what the
blinking red light atop the old Hancock Building means in the summer. And if
you're smaht, you'll know how not to get cahded at the packie. Herewith, a
survival guide to Bawstin:
How we tok
We don't speak English. We speak whatever they brought over here from East
Anglia in 1630. The Bawstin accent is basically the broad A and the dropped R,
which we add to words ending in A -- pahster, Cuber, soder. For the broad A,
just open your mouth and say ''ah,'' like the docta says. So car is cah, park
is pahk. If you want to talk like the mayah, repeat after me: ''My ahnt takes
her bahth at hahpast foah.''
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When we say:
bzah
flahwiz
hahpahst
Hahwahya?
khakis
pissa
retahded
shuah
wikkid
yiz
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We mean:
odd
roses, etc.
30 minutes after the hour
How are you?
what we staht the cah with
superb
silly
of course
extremely
you, plural
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How we'll know you weren't bon heah:
You wear a Harvard sweatshirt.
You cross at a crosswalk.
You ask directions to ''Cheers.''
You order a grinder and a soda.
You pronounce it ''Worchester.''
You walk the Freedom Trail.
You call it ''Copely'' Square.
Getting around
Boston is a mishmosh of 17th-century cow paths and 19th-century landfill
penned in by water. You know, ''One if by land, two if by sea.'' Charlestown?
Cahn't get theyah from heah. And which Warren Street do you want? We have
three plus three Warren Avenues, three Warren Squares, a Warren Park, and a
Warren Place.
Pay no attention to the street names. There's no school on School Street,
no court on Court Steet, no dock on Dock Square, no water on Water Street.
Back Bay streets are in alphabetical odda. Arlington, Berkeley, Clarendon,
Dartmouth. So are South Boston streets: A, B, C, D. If the streets are named
after trees (Walnut, Chestnut, Cedar), you're on Beacon Hill. If they're named
after poets, you're in Wellesley.
Dot is Dorchester, Rozzie is Roslindale, JP is Jamaica Plain. Readville
doesn't exist.
The North-East-South-West thing
Southie is South Boston. The South End is the South End.
The North End is east of the West End.
The West End is no more. A guy named Rappaport got rid of it one night.
Eastie is East Boston. The East End is Boston Harbor.
About our ''cuisine'':
Boston cream pie is a cake.
Frappes have ice cream; milk shakes don't.
Chowdah does not come with tomatoes.
Soda is club soda. Pop is Dad. If it's fizzy and flavored, it's tonic. When
we mean tonic water, we say tonic water.
Scrod is whatever they tell you it is, usually fish. If you paid more than
$6 a pound, you got scrod.
Brown bread comes in a can. You open both ends, push it out, heat it, and
eat it with baked beans.
They're hot dogs. Franks were people who lived in France in the ninth
century.
People without last names:
Dapper
Whitey
Raybo
Natalie
Roger
Julia
Things not to do:
Don't call it Beantown.
Don't pahk your cah in Hahvid Yahd. They'll tow it to Meffa.
Don't swim in the Charles, no matter what Bill Weld tells you.
Don't sleep in the Common.
Don't wear orange in Southie on St. Patrick's Day.
Things you should know:
There are two State Houses, two City Halls, two courthouses, two Hancock
buildings. There's also a Boston Latin School and a Boston Latin Academy. How
should we know which one you mean?
Route 128 is also I-95. It is also I-93.
It's the Sox, the Pats (or Patsies), the Seltz, the Broons.
The Harvard Bridge goes to MIT. It's measured in 'smoots.'
Johnson never should have hit for Willoughby.
The subway doesn't run all night. This isn't Noo Yawk.
Ray Flynn used to be mayah.
It's Comm Ave, Mass Ave and Dot Ave.
Yaz wore 8, Ted wore 9.
The drinking age is 21. If you use a fake ID, make sure it isn't from
Mississippi.
To get back to Logan from BC, take the Green Line to the Blue Line -- then
grab the bus.
Miscellaneous
- The Hub: A Bostonian once called this city the Hub of the Universe. It
was -- in 1775.
- The Big Dig: The downtown highway project that's taking longer and costing
more than it should. The latest excuse for why traffic here is bzah.
- The old Hancock Building lights are actually a weather forecast: ''Steady
blue, clear view / Flashing blue, clouds due / Steady red, rain ahead /
Flashing red, snow instead.'' In the summer, flashing red means the Sox home
game has been called off.
Originally published 07/11/97 in the Boston Globe's Living section.
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